Peace is something I have longed for before I truly knew what it meant. I'm not sure I thought I was deserving of it once I did. And at last when I finally found it, I didn't really know what to do with it. But that's the thing about peace, you don't do anything with it - it's what it does to you. When we are at peace, we are free to be all the other wonderful things we are. We can have fun, we can relax, we can let mostly go of worry and really be in the moment. We can be creative and loving and kind. We can be funny and we can be sensitive. We feel like we have time, and that we can take our time. Hastily is no way to live. I've done that. There's not much peace to be had there. I worked in restaurants for so much of my life, that there came a day when I realized I hardly knew who I was outside of them. I started waiting tables when I was 18. It was fun and fast, and at the time I liked moving quickly. In fact, I hated being still and moving slow. That was a real struggle for me. It wasn't until my thirties that I realized I no longer wanted to live my life at such a fast pace. I wanted to slow down, be thoughtful and reflective. I didn't want to do things "on-the-fly" anymore. I had been reading a lot of Ram Dass and was learning more and more that the way I wanted to live my life was not wrong. I should be at peace too. I will never forget the day I knew for sure that serving was no longer for me. My boss asked me a question - my opinion on something as a matter of fact - and before I could think about my answer, let alone say it out loud, she prompted me to, "Speak!" So, I did. I told her what dish she should use for plating. I walked away and actually considered her question and realized the other plate would be better, so I told her that. I told her I needed a moment to think about it. And that was all it took, a moment. But in that world, or at least in the one I was in at the time, thought and consideration was not what got the job done and made the restaurant money. And being spoken to like that, unfortunately, was not uncommon.
I spent so much time working in that environment, that even though I did so much outside of it to achieve peace and preserve it, I was faced with such negativity and toxicity when I would re-enter it, that I could never make the jump. I couldn't actually get there. I spent time in the woods, on trails, and at the beach. I brought along my Ram Dass and Thich Nhat Hanh books and my journals too. I tried acting, and yoga, worked for a non-profit, all while working at the restaurant. I tried watching what I ate and every so often would try to stop drinking so much. I became a Personal Trainer and I joined a Buddhist group. It helped. All of it made a difference, I'm certain. But getting out - getting away from it, and healing from it all - this has helped me find peace.
I'm not saying that no one should ever work at a restaurant. On the contrary, I think the world might be better if everyone tried it. You learn a lot about people and how to communicate with them. I was able to get over my extreme social anxiety and learned better how to manage stress and multitask. I also learned that some things are better done on their own. Some efforts require more time and focus, and multitasking is not the way.
My world now very much consists of taking my time. I take my time getting ready in the morning and getting to my clients. I try to never be in a hurry while I'm driving. Nothing good comes of that. I take my time at the grocery store and at the gym. I really take my time cooking. I used to be in such a hurry to do everything. I got little joy out of doing a lot of things. Now, I try to focus on breathing through it all. I try to be more intentional with my actions, and my words as well. What helps me do all this so comfortably, is that now I have the ability to be still. I can think. I can plan. I can make sure the right dish gets used because I gave it proper thought. I can get the job done and still be at peace. This helps me help others feel at peace, too. That's important to me as a Personal Trainer, and also as a person.
In closing, I hope you listen to yourself. I didn't trust my voice for so long, that I stayed in a place for too long, and barely survived it. You may think you can change, and that might change the situation, and you can certainly try. But when you know, go. You are not your job. You are not your relationship. You are not this thing that you have tied your worth to. You are how you treat people. You are how you make them feel. You can do this from anywhere, so find a place of peace, and do it from there.
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